Tips For Better Marriage

By Sr. Muntaqima Abdur-Rashid

"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from amongyourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He hasput love and mercy between your (hearts).

Verily in that are Signs forthose who reflect" (30: 21). I have listed some rules that may benefit those seeking an Islamicmarriage, as well as, those who are already married. I do not pretendto be an expert of any kind. I have learned what I know throughmarrying at the early age of 18, just 9 months after em bracingIslam. I muddled my way through much of my 14 years of marriage, andconsider myself a graduate from the 'school of hard knocks'.

The rulesare:

1. Be conscious of your physical appearance.

No one was more consciousof this than the Prophet. His Sulmah reflects keen attention topersonal hygiene and good grooming. He kept himself strong andmuscular. Most likely the first aspect of you that attracted your matewas your appearance, so don't think that simply because you aremarried the task is over. You can't hide a weight problem underThawbs' (dress) and long Khimars' (veils). Your mate knows. Be awarethat you live in a society that places a high premium on physicalappearance. It flaunts the shapely female and her muscularcounterpart. Temptations that beckon non-Muslims beckon Muslims aswell.

Don 't allow your mate to get side-tracked by the likes of a'Raquel Welch or an Arnold Schwarzenegger'. Jog, join a gym, rollerskate, swim and stay in shape. Insha' Allah, you will be more vibrant,more radiant, and more attractive to your mate.

2. Be aware of your role, but do not fall into role- playing.

Muslimspouses sometimes experience difficulties because they are trying todo things 'by the book' without giving due consideration to theconditions prevailing in their country. For example, most femaleconverts are taught that the role of the Muslim woman is to be at homeraising her children. Supposedly, it is the man who works outside thehome to maintain the family. She may have read about Birth Control andassumed that it has no place for the Muslimah; yet, it is worth notingthat the Prophet himself allowed coitus interruptus. If ideal Islamicconditions prevailed, there would be no reason for a sister to worryabout her financial situation interfering with her right to bearchildren.

However, without an Islamic society, needy Muslim familiesmay have to resort to welfare and food stamps rather than Zakaah andSadaqah. This creates a feeling of dependence and humiliation that canplace extreme stress on a marriage. In this ease, it may be helpfulfor the Muslim couple to delay having children, for the wife to workwhile the children are young and until the couple 's financialsituation improves. Islam gives you this flexibility. Don't be afraidor ashamed to use it.

3. Be a companion to your mate.

Try to show enthusiasm for your spouse's interests and hobbies. It is well-known that the Prophet would runraces with 'Ayesha. By all means try to involve your mate in yourinterests.

4. Be active in Islamic community life.

This will strengthen yourcommitment to Islam while providing you wish a wholesome socialoutlet. Encourage your spouse to engage in activities that promoteIslam. Have dinners at your home for Muslims as well as non-Muslims,and don't neglect your relatives. These activities will indirectlyenhance the quality of your marriage through widening your circle ofactivity and con~ac~s.

5. Admit your mistakes and have a forgiving, generous attitude whenyour mate errs.

This country is a difficult place to live in. MostMuslims fall short of the Islamic ideal. Contradictions abound. Bequick to admit your shortcomings and work to amend them. Beunderstanding when your mate does not live up to the Islamic ideal andgently try to motivate him or her in the right direction. 6. Have a sense of humour. Be able to chuckle at life's minoraggravations.

7. Be modest when around members of the opposite sex.

Do not try totest your spouse's affection by feigning interest in another. Thiswill only cause dissension and bad feelings.

8. Share household duties. Brothers, take note.

This is especiallyimportant these days when women work outside the home. The Prophetalways helped his wives around the house and even mended his ownclothes. Who knows? You might find you actually like preparing theevening meal or taking care of junior so your wife can have theafternoon off. The Messenger of Allah said, "The most perfect of thebelievers in faith is the best of them in moral excellence, and thebest of you are the kindest of you to their wives" (at-Tirmidhi).

9. Surprise each other with gifts.

Treat her to an evening out alone,away from the children. There are no words to describe the lift thiscan give to a marriage.

10. Communicate your feelings to one another, good and bad.

Tell himhow handsome he looks. Where there is disagreement, have an opendiscussion. Don ' t collect red stamps. Nip it in the bud .

11. Live within your means.

Stay away from credit cards if you can.Sisters, take note. Don't envy the possessions of your friends, andbelittle your husband because he can't provide them for you. Muslimcouples will do well to stay away from ostentatious living. TheProphet did not live this way, neither should you.

12. Respect your mate's need for privacy.

A quiet time to oneself,either at home or away from home, each day can make a disagreeableperson agreeable.

13. Don 't share personal problems with others.

There are a fewexceptions to this rule, but if you must discuss personal problems,make sure it is with a person in whom you have the utmost confidence.If you have a learned Muslim brother or sister in your community, seekhim or her out first.

14. Be sensitive to your mate's moods.

If you want to share a personalachievement, don't do it when your spouse is 'down in the dumps ' .Wait for the proper time.You may be saying to yourself, "This iseasier said than done." Well, you're right. A successful marriagedoesn't just happen. It's not simply a matter of luck or finding theright person. It takes hard work and determination.

It means beingselfless and making mistakes. It means having vengeance on your mindbut forgiveness in your heart. But, then, its perfection is "half offaith".Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be thecomfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to leadrighteous. Qur'an 25:74"The whole world is an asset and the best asset is a goodwife" (Muslim)"

And among His Signs is this, that He created for you matesfrom among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillitywith them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts).Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect" (30: 21).